I am a neat person. I like things in their proper place. Clutter makes me uncomfortable, affects my thinking process. This fixation on neatness is one of those things my wife and I bond over. I’ve seen her cringe upon entering a place which is particularly messy. My wife is more organized, and I am more neat. It is truly a great combination – not quite peanut butter and jelly but certainly crackers and cheese.
Despite this strange yet useful personality trait that we possess, our bathrooms smell like urine. I see this as a failing and a painful one at that. It is neither my fault nor hers. It’s the children’s fault – really. It’s not like one of those times where you use the children as an excuse. “Sorry we couldn’t make it – the boys were not up to it. Long day – you understand.” Yes, I’ll admit it – I have used the excuse above or something like it before, but this time it really is the children’s fault.
Both of my children did not become fully potty trained till they turned 4. We were happy to take diapers off the shopping list. Due to this joy, aim or lack thereof was overlooked. However, their aim has worsened as the novelty of going on their own has worn off. Now, it seems the only thrill is seeing how quickly they can go in order to miss as little as possible the television show they are watching. Often, they will put off going to the last minute, so when they actually go not only are they in a rush but are at the point when the urine is nearly ready to burst out. In fact, my younger son often runs to the bathroom because he has waited so long. While running, he is screaming pee pee like a kamikaze fighter who screamed bonsai. It was cute and funny the first time or two and worrisome due to the fact I did not know if he would make it in time. At this point when I see it, I shake my head, sigh, and say, “Why did you wait so long? Hurry.” I am left wondering how much urine actually is going to make it into the toilet. My wife says it is my responsibility to make this situation better. “You have the same body parts. Show them how to aim.” I pride myself on being a good teacher, but I am not sure what would work in this case. I could try and break it down into a few easy steps.
- Make sure both parts of the seat are up.
- Pull your pants far down so it won’t interfere with the trajectory (an opportunity to learn new vocabulary – now, we’re getting to my area of expertise.)
- Put both hands on your private part.
- Look at the toilet while you are peeing.
- Make sure you are completely finished before pulling up.
- Check for any droplets of urine. If so, wipe up with toilet paper.
- Pull up your pants.
I think that about covers it. Maybe we should write these steps down and laminate them and put a sign in each bathroom. Of course, if we did that it might start to clutter up the bathroom. I’m not so sure I want to do that. I do like neatness you know.