Separating Work & Home

Something is going on at home that is causing my wife and me a great deal of stress. It relates to one of our children. I don’t want to go into details. I am comforted by the thought that ultimately, G-d willing, everything will be fine. I recognize that when you are in the middle of a situation, it always seems bigger than when looking back upon it. But the stress at this time is weighing on me.

—

I believe in work and pride myself on being a professional. As I’ve noted before, I am very concerned about my students on a number of levels. I strive to keep my home life at home. When I come to work, my focus is in the classroom.

Just yesterday, I was counseling a colleague who recently had a baby about the importance of separating work and home life. My colleague responded somewhat dismissively, “But you’re a dad. You’re not a mom.” Besides the obvious, she may have a point. My wife struggles mightily with this separation, although sometimes she finds going to the office to be a form of escape.

Today, I struggled along with her. I called her at noon. She said, “I’m not doing so well.” I said, “Me too.” Sure, it’s nice to be on the same page. However, I would have preferred to have been that kind of dad my colleague was referring to. It would have made my day easier. Of course, my day also would have been easier if all the students had sat there with their hands folded, desirous of taking in information, asking questions when appropriate, and responding to questions in respectful manner. (As if!)

Ultimately, I still taught the lesson I wanted. I hope the students gained the information I strove to impart. Yet, being a teacher was hard today. My mind was elsewhere. It was on the challenges at home – the challenges of being a dad.

 

Want To Be There

“Okay, fine, good.” These are the answers I get when I ask my children about school. None of the responses – including the good – go along with enthusiasm. When I ask for more details, it is as if the children were trained by the CIA and refuse to give out information. However, there are those rare days when the children are excited about their school day. Those are great days, and I love to share their enthusiasm. SJ had just such a day on Monday.

I work 5 days a week. I am out of the house by 6 A.M. and return at approximately 4:45 (work often continues after the children are asleep). My wife works five days a week. For three of those days, she is in the city. She leaves just after she drops SJ off for school and returns home by 7 P.M. The two days she works from home she is expected to be working her standard eight hours.

I am thankful that we are both employed and have managed to stay so throughout the recession and the tepid recovery. We have not had to fret over bills (though I occasionally forget) and have not had our salaries reduced.  We have been fortunate. No complaints despite the long hours. That’s life, and we accept it.

When SJ gets excited, it is hard to understand what he is saying. He talks fast, and his details are all over the place. Yet, on Monday he was very clear. He was happily rambling on about a Thanksgiving Festival his school was going to be having. SJ informed me that BR, my wife, my mother, and I were all invited and there was room for everyone. He would be singing songs. There would be food for everyone. The details kept spilling out of the smile that was his mouth.

He was thrilled, so I was excited. Of course, I would go to see this grand performance. “When is it?” He had no idea.

“Come on daddy. Let’s look at the note in my back pack. They sent a note home for you.” He hurried down to the kitchen, opened his back pack, took out the note and gave it to me. He instructed, “Read it.”

I read the note and was sickened. The big event was on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving at 1:30.  Why? Why do they make these events, psyche the kids up, and then schedule them during the workday? Of course, the notice mentioned how we must reserve as the event has been a tremendous success in the past with many family members attending. How can they attend, I wondered? Don’t they have jobs, daily responsibilities?

I’m sure all of the parents have daily responsibilities. However, many find a way to fit this event into their schedule. But I can’t. I can’t go. I feel guilty. I feel like crap. I have a limited amount of days I can take off of work – like everyone else – and have used some already. My wife does not know if she can make it either as she is in the office on Tuesdays. Lastly, we don’t want to pull my other son out of school to attend. My mother, however, will be attending. Thankfully, she is retired and enjoys attending the children’s events.

So, SJ will have representation. Despite this, I am angry about being put in this situation. As a father and educator, I am thrilled to see my son excited about something at school. I am glad the school has gone to this effort which is motivating students (well, at least one). It is no one’s fault.

Sometimes, it really would be nice to be in two places at one time!

 

Missing Youth

“We’re not gonna take it. No, we ain’t gonna take it. We’re not gonna take it anymore,” Twisted Sister.

Eurorail train schedules, Let’s Go Europe, and maps surrounded the unemployed 23 year old. He was planning out his backpacking through Europe summer. Responsibility and reality be damned. The epitome of freedom and youth.

“Larry,” my father shouted as he came into my room undetected.

I jumped, “Oh, hi dad.’

“Does the music have to be so loud?”

“Sorry.” I turned down the music.

“What is all the stuff,” he motioned at the paraphernalia that decorated my floor.

“Planning my summer trip.”

“Oh.” He shook his head, half smiled, and walked away after reminding me to keep the music lower.

I looked at the information around me, contemplated my looming weeks long trip, and considered my unemployed status. I felt guilty. Then, I got over it.

—

Yesterday, I was assisting a girl with her college application essay. During the tutoring session, she started talking to her mother. “Mommy,” she said “I am going create an empire.” She was certain that the business she had recently begun was bound for big things. I raised my eyebrows but said nothing. Her mother smiled a yes dear smile. The girl bubbled on so proud of her declaration that she wrote it down.

Another college recruiter visited my senior class. He talked about his school and how attending there will enable the students to achieve their academic goals. This of course will enable them to fulfill their dreams. Never mind the 70 average.

—

“I’m happy she is getting a chance to go away,” she explained. “But when I dropped her off, I felt a little jealous.”  So my fellow writer said at a recent writer’s group meeting. She clearly felt a little guilty. There was no need to apologize as the rest of us – parents with children in various stages – shook our heads feeling the same such feelings.

—

It’s not youth we want. It’s the unbound enthusiasm. It’s the certainty that everything is not only possible but a mere question of when.

I wish good things for my tutee, my students, and my co-writer’s daughter. I hope they achieve big and great things. They are in an amazing and exciting stage in their lives.

By the time you reach a certain age, there is some level of stuckness (I know it’s not a word, but it so fits). Whatever you’re level of contentment – nice family, decent job, comfortable home – choices have been made, life is being lived, and dreams come in size small.

The world is not our oyster. It’s not free for the taking. As adults, we know this. Lumps can and will be doled out. I, for one, am okay with that. I will cope and be happy for the dreams of the kids around me, hopeful about fulfilling my goals, and content with the wisdom I have gained.

 

Putting Feelings Aside

My work week began at 5:36 AM Monday morning. I quickly turned off the alarm (I don’t think I have ever hit snooze in my life) and arose. As I walked to the bus 16 minutes later, I had a headache and felt groggy. For a moment, I thought it was Friday.

Three straight 5 hour nights later, and my long week is nearly over. This is my first 5 day work week in nearly a month, so I can’t complain. Well, of course, I can, but I don’t like complaining. I don’t even like hearing myself complain, so what’s the point?

Grades were due today. The first marking period is always rough. It includes less days, I take off days to celebrate the holidays, and the first few days are all about paperwork and diagnostics. Inevitably, there is a logjam of work at the end of the term.

To be blunt: my pass rate sucked! Students did not get the work done despite my extensions, pleadings, and phone calls. I am disappointed, frustrated, and annoyed. I can come up with many reasons why the students did not hand in their work. Ultimately, that is not comforting.

There is an old saying that if you reach one child then you are doing your job. It is a depressing saying and any teacher that cares would be disappointed with those types of results. I am more than confident that I have reached multiple students. It’s pretty easy to see when students want to hang out in your classroom just because that they feel comfortable. Still, it does not feel like enough. I am nearly certain that the school administration is not going to be content with that level of success either.

I can continue feeling bad, guilty, and complaining. However, I don’t want to. It’s not fair to me, my family, or my friends. I will put away the negative feelings (as best I can) and strive to enjoy my life. I don’t want to let the disappointment in one part of my life poison the other parts of my life. It is not easy to do – I am not talking about widgets here – but kids with families that love them and want the best for them.

Today as I walked to the subway, I enjoyed the beautiful weather. When October brings such a gorgeous day, it must be appreciated. Who knows how many more are left in the season?

So, you see I am learning a lesson from my students. They take bad news and seem bothered till the bell rings. At that point, they go through the halls slapping hands, talking, and laughing with their friends. In other words, they know how to put their feelings aside and enjoy the moment.

We all will worry about it till tomorrow.

I am looking forward to enjoying the night with my wife and kids.

 

Have To Wash My Hair Tonight

That’s not really true – the title that is. I am a morning shower person. Anyway, you know how you used to watch those television shows like Happy Days and other comedies of that era? When a woman didn’t want to accept a date request, she would say I have to wash my hair. Now, of course, the guy did not buy that excuse. It’s just too lame. However, he would accept it at least publicly because it was a way to escape the embarrassing no to his date request. “Hey she’s busy,” he could tell his friends, “she has plans tonight.”

—

This is the third week of the new school year. We have already had some days off for holidays with more coming. Despite that, I feel as though I have so much to do. Rushing, rushing, rushing.

One of my goals this school year is to minimize stress. Actually, it’s a goal I set every year which seems to fade ever slowly away till it’s time to do grading for the first marking period. At that point, it just completely disintegrates. I end up feeling anxious and fighting the feeling that I am not getting enough accomplished.

Last year, however, was a bit different. I wasn’t as hard on myself. I followed through on some of my promises to myself. I actually got to get bed earlier one night a week, assisted the students as best as I could and did not take their failings as my own. I even did some things for myself (one of those was to start a blog – you may have heard of it – it’s called memyselfandkids) You know what? It felt good!

This year, I am ready to take it to another level. I have a number of things that I want to accomplish outside of school. Therefore, I have to be even wiser and more efficient when it comes to budgeting my time. This goal has been in the back of my mind all summer. I know I can, I know I can. I psyched myself up.

You’re waiting for the but right? Well, here it comes. Sort of.

I have had to go out nearly every night since school started. Whether it was a back to school night, religious commitment, a concert (saw Bruce Springsteen and the E. Street Band last night), I have had regular plans every night. You know what I need? I need a bunch of nights in a row where when you get home, you can latch the door because you know you are not leaving till the next morning. You know the type of night I mean? Now, of course, there are still familial responsibilities, but that’s different. That’s an everyday responsibility, and one I enjoy (usually).

So, I am thinking about using that line. The next person who tries to make a plan will hear, “I need to wash my hair.” Who knows what they will think? I just know that I need the space and time.

 

If is Not That Big

If, if, if.. I’m sure we have all heard the saying that if is the biggest word in the English language. If is a word of second thoughts daydreams, wonder, and lego.

BR, my 8-year-old has become obsessed with lottery tickets. I know, I know that is not a good thing for a child. It has been the subject of arguments between, he and I, he and his mother, and my wife and I. I’d like to blame my wife for turning our son into a compulsive gambler. Why do I want to blame her – you may be wondering? Well, I believe it is true to an extent. She also enjoys playing the lottery. He has seen her play, asked about what she was doing, and begged to scratch off the ticket himself. Experiencing the thrill of victory even if it is for as little as two dollars sends his little body into a frenzy of excitement. I have to admit that part is cute. However, I have to acknowledge my role in creating the gambler as well. I don’t go in for the scratch offs – I’m into Mega Millions. I dream of fortunes. My son has noted these dreams – not getting my complete lack of expectation – and has fed off of it. While he does not enjoy playing this form of the lottery, he does share the dream.

My wife and I have discussed what to do about our little Jimmy the Greek. Unfortunately, we are not completely on the same page as to the extent of the problem (must be shocking to all of you who have perfect marriages – completely in sync with each other). However, we do agree and are working to curb BR’s enthusiasm for the lottery. I suppose you could say he is on a multistep program designed to wean him of his obsession.

Most people who play the lottery dream of the ensuing riches. What would I do? Hmmm. Well, I asked BR what would he want to do with his lottery winnings? His first answer is buy Lego sets. Now, that’s an 8-year-old response. He goes on to add to his list an i-pad and i-pod. Now, that’s an 8-year-old’s response in 2012.

SJ, my 5-year-old, is not obsessed with the lottery. Shew, that’s a relief. However, he dreams of treasure. Before our vacation, he mentioned to me that he was excited to dig on the beach with the hopes of finding a treasure. When asked what he hoped to find in the treasure, his answer was Thomas Trains and Lego Duplo. Now, that’s a 5-year-old response. His next answer was money which he said he would give to the poor people and buy Thomas Trains.

So, my boys dream of ifs. They want toys, technology, etc. I am fine with that. However, I don’t want them to rely on ifs like the lottery and lost treasure to fulfill their dreams. Go to school, gain knowledge, and work hard – that is a recipe for reaching many ifs.

 

This Should Not Be Happening

I owned recess time. I was a star. In elementary school, recess meant sports. Depending upon the season and mood, my friends and I played football, basketball, baseball, or wall ball. I was captain, quarterback, etc. It felt good. I was not shy on the field/court.  My upbringing as the youngest of four boys in a sports-crazed family served me well.

Then, things changed.

As third and fourth grade came around, girls came into the picture. And things got confusing. And awkward. By the time of the graduation trip in sixth grade, one of my best friends had a girlfriend. Did they kiss? I dunno know.  Couldn’t we just focus on sports? Why talk or consider something other than sports?  I understood it, reveled in it, etc. There were girls I liked and those who liked me. I guess. I had no idea how to express such an interest. I was not ready.

By the time I got to high school, some things had changed. Unfortunately, some things had not. I was still awkward and shy. I had a crush on a girl – Shannon – who was in 10^th grade when I was in 9^th. An older woman. Anyway, we had algebra together, and I sat right behind her.  I used to space out and dream of her. My dreams did not get much beyond holding her. Sometimes, I would find myself wandering behind her in the hallways. No, I was not creepy. Anyway, I never did have much conversation with her, though I did enjoy a friendly relationship with the girl next to her.

I lost out because I was unable to overcome my shyness.

—

This past week I returned to the high school where I work. The inner city high school is located in East New York Brooklyn. It was nice to see some of my colleagues and catch up on families, summer activities, and gossip. However, the talk was much more than I expected. One of my colleagues informed me about the passing of a student who would have been in the 10^th grade.

While I did not know the student, I was terribly saddened. I was informed that he was shot, gang style. Someone knocked on his door and shot him in the head. He lingered in a coma for a month before succumbing to death.

Why? Why did this terrible thing happen? Why are kids killing each other? Someone said it was over a girl. Are you kidding me? At 14, kids kill each other over a girl?  What kind of relationship can a 14-year-old have? This is not Romeo and Juliet (who did not have much of a relationship either, by the way). Did he make a pass at a girl who was “taken”?  Does it matter?

—

I’m sure there’s a middle ground here somewhere, between me – too shy to have a real conversation with a girl – and those who would shoot someone because he got in the way of a ‘relationship’.

A dead boy, a grieving mother – this should not be happening.

 

No Small Children

“How many kids do you want to have?”

“I want to have four kids.”

“You know, I don’t think that’s gonna happen.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, this child will be our first, and we are already in our mid 30’s. Well, you are at least.”

“So?”

“So, I just don’t think having four kids is realistic. The timing is not right. You’d have to pop ‘em out one right after the other.”

I distinctly remember this conversation. My wife and I were strolling through Riverside Park in Manhattan. It was a cool Fall afternoon. My wife’s baby bump was coming through (she was due in April). It was not the first conversation we had had about children. However, it was different. The world did not move at our pace, and some of what we wanted was not going to come to pass. Our joy knew limits.

I have read many posts about parents gearing for the new school year. There have been posts about school supplies (I have learned how moms get crazy about these, including Mrs. MMK), teachers, classmates, bus routes, etc. Most of the posts have been a bit sad as people have noted their joy for the ease of summer and are concerned with the grind of a school year. However, there is a resignation and appreciation for school as well. And it’s not just because parents don’t have to figure out another way to entertain their children.

Anyway, the posts that have most struck me are those from moms whose children are starting kindergarten. They have unanimously focused on tears. The tears shed are by the parents. As I read these articles, I felt sorry for these parents. Why are they getting so sentimental and weepy? You see, my younger son is starting kindergarten this week. I can guarantee you that this parent won’t shed tears.

Why should I shed tears? SJ is ready for kindergarten. I’m sure there will be some issues with transition. However, that will occur because he has to find his comfort level. Yet, I have seen his skills grow, and I am convinced he will revel in gaining new knowledge. He will enjoy being part of a bigger class (especially if there are more boys than in his previous pre-k classes). So, why should I be weepy?

I’m not weepy. But, I am sentimental. With both our children now in the education system, it’s as if we are not a young family. There are no little kids at home. My children are getting older.  I don’t miss late nights, feedings, burpings, etc. However, children keep us young. I’m getting older too.

A little while after SJ was born my wife starting dropping hints that she might be interested in having a third child. I wasn’t interested. I don’t remember the specific reasons – they were the typical justifications.  She was not adamant, and the moment passed. Later, I was the one dropping hints. She wasn’t interested, and I was not adamant.  As an older couple, we did not have time to dally. The time passed and two children are what we are blessed to have.

So, as SJ heads off to kindergarten, I am proud of him. And a little sad. I am confident that it will be a great experience for him. I look forward to seeing him learn and grow. However, I can’t help but feeling some sense of nostalgia in recognizing that my youngest child is moving on, leaving no little ones behind him.

 

Taking the Job Home

Smart phones, internet, etc. allow us to be constantly connected. Of course, that has its good and bad points. One challenge that this is constant connectivity presents is getting away from the job.

Well, for me, as a teacher the summer is a perfect way to get away from the job. Or so you would think. Yes, my job ends to some degree at the school gates and more accurately in late June. However, in fact, I am always a teacher and an English teacher at that – whether my children or others around me like it or not.

Want to know what I mean? Check out a guest post I did for my blogger fried over at Insanity of Motherhood:

http://insanityofmotherhood.com/2012/08/23/guest-writer-dad-english-teacher/

 

Nate Sees My Future?

MMK is playing host today. Nate the Great of insanityofmotherhood.com has agreed to do a guest post. She, yes Nate is a she (learn about the history of her name by following this link http://insanityofmotherhood.com/2012/08/07/origin-of-a-name/) I have been following her blog for about six weeks. One reason I particularly like her blog is she writes about the interaction she has with her teenage boys. The conversations and interactions are often head shaking. I figure this is my future, so I should study up what it will be like in the MMK household in a few years.

Thank you for the introduction, MMK.  Being asked to guest blog for MMK is an honor.  He is a talented writer and gives a much needed perspective of parenting, from the father’s view.  MMK’s style of writing is both intelligent and approachable. I’ve enjoyed reading theparenting adventures with his young sons and getting to know him as a person.

I am a wife and mother to three boys ages 5, 14 and 16.  My full-time job is caring for my family.  I am also in the middle of a midlife something – which explains why I am going a little insane.

Thanks MMK for allowing me space on your blog. Good luck with the boys in the teen years, you are going to need it.

Today’s blog is conversation I had with my teenage boys a few years ago about sex education. I am not squeamish about talking to the boys about sex. The boys on the other hand can think of nothing worse.

The Birds and the Bees

“Sex education may be a good idea in schools, but I don’t believe the kids should be given homework.”- Bill Cosby

Driving in the car I asked my big boys if Sex Ed had been taught.

“Boys, have you had your Sex Ed classes yet?” – Mom

“Not us. And hopefully we won’t ever have it.” – Tall Boy

“Oh, you are going to have Sex Ed buddy. They usually teach it at the end of the year, just to make the kids crazy.” – Old Boy

“Well, I am not going to the class….no way.  We had it in fifth grade and it was the horrible.” – Tall Boy

“You better be prepared. It’s worse in sixth grade. The teachers go into a lot more details about stuff.” – Old Boy

“Details? What do you mean details. Like what?” – Mom

“Well, you know stuff about relationships, being ready for sex and birth control. You know, stuff like that.” – Old Boy.

“Birth control? Oh, Jeez.  Do they talk birth control for men and women or just women?” – Mom

“They talk about birth control for men, Mom. Jeez, guys have sex too.” – Old Boy

“Thank you for the lovely reminder. I think I figured that part out. Do they talk about condoms? Do they show different types of birth control? Have you ever seen a condom?” – Mom

“MOM!” – Tall Boy and Old Boy.

“What? This is an important conversation. We have talked about sex plenty of times before. I want you boys to feel comfortable about talking to me about these things. By the way, if you need to look at a condom, Dad has some at home.” – Mom

“Oh, God.  Mom, we don’t want to hear about you and Dad. Come on.  I do not want to see a condom. Please get me out of the car.” – Tall Boy

“You know my mother didn’t say one word about the ‘birds and the bees’. I had to learn everything from my friends.” – Mom

“Grandma was a smart lady. I do not want to talk about this with you Mom, not driving in the car to school. Let’s end this conversation now…please.” – Old Boy

When I was young I always wished my mom had taken a little more time to explain how the whole sex thing worked. I had Sex Ed in sixth grade, but it only covered a bit about the female time of the month and showed some side views of male and female parts. Which by the way, was VERY interesting. Sex Ed did not answer the question I wanted answered, so I asked my teacher.

“Mrs. Shell, I was wondering?  What does it feel like to have sex? It must feel good right? Otherwise, why would anyone do it? – Young Nate ( inquisitive sixth grader)

“Well…um…that is an interesting question.  I mean, it does not really matter what it feels like when you are in love.” – Mrs. Shell (bewildered teacher)

I let the conversation about Sex Ed with my boys end. They will have their Sex Ed classes soon. I am sure the agony of talking with mom about sex, will be replaced with the torture of hearing their teachers talk about it. If the boys ever have questions about anything I’ll be ready, even how it feels to have sex. I’ll just make sure when it comes to the mechanics to direct them to my in-house expert, my husband.