A conversation between a man and blog:
MeMyselfandKids: So, how you doing?
Blog: Where you been?
MMK: Huh?
Blog: Huh? What do you mean huh? Last time you spoke to me was July.
MMK: Well, actually, every time I post I am talking to you.
Blog: Don’t give me that.
MMK: You don’t have to be so cranky
Blog: Oh, so now I’m cranky?
MMK: Can we move on?
Blog: Fine, what is it?
MMK: I wanted to let you know we’re moving.
Blog: Moving? Is it somewhere warm? I like warm.
MMK: Huh? Anyway, I don’t think you’ll notice much of a difference.
Blog: So, what you are saying?
MMK: Remember, I told you about a website?
Blog: Wait! Are you dumping me? I can change. I’m sorry I was cranky before. I was just feeling lonely. You didn’t show up on Thursday.
MMK: I’ve been really busy.
Blog: Don’t try and let me down easy. I can take it. I know it’s me.
MMK: No, really it’s true. It’s the end of the term, and I have a ton of marking to do.
Blog: Really?
MMK: Yes, really.
Blog: Oh, what a relief! Tell me more about the website. By the way, didn’t you talk about this months ago?
MMK: Yeah, well things don’t always go the way you plan.
Blog: Sheesh! You screwed up didnja?
MMK: No. Wow, you are cranky. My friend was…
Blog: Now, you are going to throw your friend under the bus?
MMK: Shut up and listen. My friend worked on it for me. Issues came up. Anyway, now it is ready to be unveiled.
Blog: So, is it all finished? When are we moving?
MMK: Well, I want to edit some sections. Plus any website needs to be attended to on a regular basis. Despite that, this is my last post from this address.
Blog: Wow. So how does that affect the followers?
MMK: For those who do get it delivered directly to their e-mail, there will be no change. Those who don’t get it delivered directly to their e-mail will have to re-subscribe.
Blog: You expect everyone to follow you there?
MMK: I certainly hope so. I very much appreciate my readers and try to put out quality posts. Besides, I am going to be joined by some special guests.
Blog: Who, who? Tell me who.
MMK: Well, I want people to be surprised.
Blog: Spit it out.
MMK: Well, I am going to have some of my blogging friends, members of my writing group (I think), the Website designer, and Ms. MMK.
Blog: Cool. When are the guests coming?
MMK: Over the next few weeks.
Blog: Anything else I should know.
MMK: Yes, our new address is http://larrydbernstein.com/me-myself-and-kids
Blog: Well, that sounds great. Any worries about the site?
MMK: Well, I don’t photograph well.
Blog: Nah – you’re just ugly.
MMK: Shuuuuut up. Seriously I can’t smile on demand. Anyway, my picture is on the website, and I am a bit sensitive about it.
Blog: It’ll be fine.
MMK: I guess you’re right. Want to hear a quick story?
Blog: Sure.
MMK: Today, Sunday the 20th, is my 11 year wedding anniversary.
Blog: Happy anniversary.
MMK: Thanks. Anyway, people kept asking me before my wedding, “Are you nervous?” I said no, and I really meant it. Now, of course, I was on some level. But there was one thing I was really nervous about.
Blog: What’s that?
MMK: The pictures. I was worrying about smiling for the pictures. I was afraid my lip would start quivering during picture time.
Blog: Did it?
MMK: Not so much. That’s what happens when you’re happy.
Blog: Ain’t that sweet.
MMK: I think so. Anyway, take it easy and see you on the on the website.
Blog: Sounds good.
—
Thanks to all of my followers. I hope to see you on my website. I appreciate the community that we have created, and I am so grateful for your loyalty, for your comments, and for your acquaintance. I hope you (and all your friends) will join me on my website. Take care and thanks again.
Larry (MMK)
Tag Archives: musings
Moving On Up
Morning-Shower Phobia
Arachnophobia, claustrophobia, xenophobia. There are phobias for just about everything. I, thankfully, suffer from none of them. Well I’m not big on heights and you don’t want to see me around ketchup and iced tea. But other than that, I am just short of normal.
—
I took a self-imposed break from blogging though I continued commenting on other people’s blogs. Anyway, the break from blogging coincided with my break at school. Movies, Chuck E. Cheese, a visit to mom, editing of my novella, a staycation with my wife only, and sleeping in till 8:00 (yes, that is a big thing in my house) were just some of the highlights from my break. Of course, I found some time for self-loathing and questioning of my direction. However, the best part was not setting the alarm and moving at a different pace.
On Tuesday night, I had my clothes out, lunch made, lesson plans prepared, etc. I had psyched myself up and was ready to return to work. Then, I made a terrible mistake. I checked weather.com. The site said it would feel like 9 degrees at 6 a.m. That is the time at which I am standing on a street corner praying for the bus to come. My heart sank as my resolve froze. Uggh. I added a pair of long johns to my pile of clothes.
Wednesday morning came, and I got out of bed and headed to the bathroom for my shower. You see, there are two types of people in this world: “shower-before-bed” people and “shower-in-the-morning” people. I happen to be the latter. Thus my shower serves a dual purpose: a clean start and a wake-up call.
I looked at the shower and had reservations. Let me tell you about our shower, and you will understand. It takes a couple of minutes for the water to warm up. Once it does warm up, it can be scalding. Now, you may be thinking to yourself, why don’t you just balance the hot and cold knobs so the water will come out at a temperature you are happy with. Sounds logical. However, my shower is not logical. The knobs are inconsistent, so I never know where to turn them to in order to get a comfortable temperature.
As I have mentioned many times, I often lack patience. So, sometimes in my rush to warm up the water, I turn the hot up too far. It will be a comfortable temperature when I get in and suddenly the water will be scalding. Then, I will turn the hot water down and pump up the cold water and a minute later, the water is freezing.
I have little tolerance for extreme temperatures. So, I spend half the shower jumping away from the water. I jump so often in the shower that it could be a new kind of exercise. You have zumba, pilates, and shower dance (sounds like it should be way more erotic than it actually is). This drastic change in temperature makes washing my private parts an act of faith. So, one minute, I’m burnt like a beach bum and the next minute, I’m frozen ala Walt Disney.
Then, you have water pressure. Well, you may have water pressure, but my shower sure doesn’t. Give my two cups of water and an hour, and I can generate more pressure than my shower.
—
So now, I have made a change. I am no longer a daytime shower person. It is too scary in that shower on cold winter mornings. In fact, you could say that I have a fear or phobia of my shower. There’s got to be a name for morning-shower phobia.
Saving the Moon
What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I’ll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That’s a pretty good idea. I’ll give you the moon, Mary.
George Bailey (Jimmy Stewart) It’s a Wonderful Life
—
I was driving home from an errand last night, Wednesday. It was around 5:15 when I looked up in the sky. I was struck, nearly dumbfounded with what I saw – the biggest whitest moon I ever saw. For a moment, I convinced myself that I could reach up and touch it or at least drive to the horizon and be enveloped in it.
As I drove home, I had to continually remind myself to look at the road and be aware of the traffic. Driving 101 – right? Well, yesterday, this basic driving necessity was truly a struggle. Instead of giving the road my full concentration, I followed the moon which seemed to be moving as I moved. I imagined G-d was playing volleyball. I remained mesmerized and marveled over nature the whole ride home, “It’s so huge, isn’t it especially bright, is it following me home?”
I had to share this beautiful moon with my family.
I walked in, and my wife was sitting at the kitchen table working.
“Come outside. I have to show you something.”
“What? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, yeah. Just come. You have to see this.”
“It’s cold.”
“Just put on your jacket and come with me. Trust me.”
She got on her jacket and followed me outside. I brought her to a spot where you could the moon was visible. I put my hands on her shoulders and said, “Look at the moon. Isn’t it amazing?’
She was quiet for a moment, taking in the amazing sight. She smiled, “thanks for giving me the moon.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Now, let’s go back in the house. It’s cold.” We walked back together.
Later I brought SJ outside. It was after his shower. He wore his winter coat. He was shoeless so I carried him on my shoulders. When we got outside, I said, “Look at the moon. Isn’t it awesome?”
“Wow, it’s so big!”
“Doesn’t it look like you could touch it?”
“Hmm. I don’t know. I’m cold. Let’s go inside.”
“Don’t you want to look at the moon some more?”
“No, I just want to go inside.” He wasn’t impressed.
Later on, I took BR out who was dressed similarly to SJ. BR decided to walk. When we got outside, I said “Check out that moon. Look how big it is.”
“That’s it? You brought me out here to see the moon. I’m going back in.”
“Don’t you think it looks huge?”
“I’m going back inside.”
I guess the children aren’t ready for the moon. Well, my version of Mary liked it, and so did I. Next time, I’ll save the moon for my wife and me.
Slow it Down
Tick, tick, tick. I am a slave to the clock. I call it productivity. I say I am proud and feel accomplished when I get things done. And I am. Yet, I am still a slave to the clock.
I’d like to blame my mother. No, I am not in therapy. But it is true, Dr. Freud. My mother is crazed about getting things done and says the same things about her sister and her mother. I would add my brothers to this list as well. So, I guess you could say it runs in my family. I was brought up on this concept.
I wish I could stop it. There are repercussions you know.
I check the clock 50 times a day. When I was younger, I used to stare at the clock. I decided some numbers were happy numbers and some were sad. For example, the five was happy because the bottom curl looked like a smile. Now, I think the five laughs at me as I curse it every morning when it makes me up. But that’s another story.
I walk fast enough to consider entering the speed walking competition in the Olympics. This is not a good date trait. My wife rarely holds my hand. She doesn’t like feeling pulled. She goes for the arm in arm. I think it’s to slow me down.
This Thanksgiving was different. No, I don’t mean the abundant food and houseguests.
I slowed down. And I liked it.
I was speaking to a friend of mine at 11:15 on Sunday morning. He excused himself. He had to get off the phone as he and his family were eating together.
“What are you eating? Breakfast?”
“Yes.”
“At 11:15?”
“We are taking it easy today. Everybody slept in.”
“Okay.” I hung up slightly confused.
And jealous.
Why can’t I be that at ease? I would feel guilty that the day is half over, and I have accomplished little.
Well, I thought I had been taking it easy over the weekend. However, my friend’s actions inspired me to slow down more.
It was a struggle. But a worthwhile struggle.
I go back to wondering. Why am I in such a rush? Yes, I know I said it is genetic thing, but there has to be more to it.
I am going to psychoanalyze myself for a moment here. You know that bumper sticker, the one who dies with the most toys wins? I disagree with that completely. I think it is stupid.
No. It’s as if I am trying to prove something. Often the hardest person to prove things to is oneself. If I keep busy, I will accomplish. If I accomplish, I will find fulfillment. Fulfillment – isn’t that what life is about?
I don’t have all the answers. I just know it felt good to slow down. It’s something I need to do more often. In fact, I may eat breakfast at 11:00 next weekend and then go for a stroll with my wife – hand in hand. Okay, we may have to run after the kids, but I am not going to be happy about it. For me, that’s an accomplishment.
Let me Help
It was a beautiful late summer day. The streets were crowded with people milling around. Aimlessly.
“I think we should go down there,” I said.
“Why” my fiancé asked?
“I want to do something. Maybe, we could help somehow.”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure what we could do there.”
“Yeah, dude,” my roommate added. “I don’t even know how we could get there. The subways are not running below 14th.”
“We could walk from 14th. It’s not so far. I want to help out. What good are we doing sitting here?”
The three of us stood outside of the temporary Red Cross building. By the time we had gotten there, they were no longer even taking blood. All we could offer was dried goods – soap, power bars, etc.
“I think it’s nice that you want to help, but there is nothing we can do,” my fiancé said.
I scoffed in frustration and replied, “I want to see what those bastards did. I want to see with my own eyes. I want to help. We’re just sitting here. Sucks. I’m going a little crazy here.”
On September 12th, 2001, there were probably many such conversations going on around the city.
It’s natural to want to help others in times of trouble. When we hear that a friend, neighbor, or family member is ill, one of the first questions we ask is, “How can I help? What can I do?” It is the normal reaction and one that binds us together. People want to help and feel useful. Being productive allows one to feel pride, accomplished and useful.
Since before the storm began, I have felt compelled to organize my home. I have been going through drawers, closets, and desks. Throwing out, straightening up, and sorting through. There is chaos outside my door. Everyday life has been thrown into tumult. However, in my home, I will keep order. I suppose you could call it a coping method. I’d like to think it is a good method – cleaning the house while not driving my family too crazy.
On Tuesday afternoon, I went into my backyard and gathered up the largest limbs that lay strewn about and placed them on the curb. Today, Thursday, I called the Office of Emergency Management a couple of times. I wanted to offer my services – a healthy, relatively strong body. No answer. I spent over an hour and a half raking leaves and gathering sticks. The trashcans are no longer in the garage, the basketball net is no longer on its side, and the outdoor furniture is back on the lawn. Our house looks like it would normally on a fall day.
We remain without power. School is closed for the children and me. My wife’s work place is closed. So, things for us are far from normal. Yet, many have it much worse and their normal will never be the same. I wish I could help.
Reject Me!!!
Sometimes in life we face rejection. I know positive-thinking types might say something like, “Well, you learn as much as or more from your failures as you do from your successes.” They may have a point. However, rejection still sucks. Yet, I crave rejection.
A few years ago, I initiated the YOC. YOC stands for year of communication. I was tired of the irony that–despite the incredible ease and multiple outlets for communication–people seem worse at communicating. One of my very few type A personality traits is returning calls/emails/texts etc. expediently. I don’t accept someone saying I was too busy to get back to you. Do you know anyone who is not busy these days? Okay, there may be a couple, but you know what I mean. There is always time for a two-line email or an 8-word text. “Crazy busy over here. Talk to you soon.” I am perfectly content with that type of rejection. So, go ahead friends/family – reject me.
There was a point that I was considering switching schools. Fortunately, I was able to get some interviews. Unfortunately, none of the interviews materialized into jobs. It’s okay. That’s life. I can move on. Really, I can. But something about the process pissed me off. I took time out of my schedule to prepare myself, come to you, answer your questions, and send you a thank you. Is it too much to expect a rejection letter? Tell me no thanks, good luck, and see you never. Yeah, I can easily get over the lack of communication, but it’s not cool dude. Not cool. Just reject me.
One of my goals this summer was to send off some of my work in the hopes of getting it published. I did have a touch of success and a couple of misses (including one where the publication simply publishes the winners without letting the rest of us know we were not chosen). The rest of my submissions – to quote the band Genesis – “No Reply at All.” Now, some (hopefully all) will be contacting me shortly to let me know that they received my submission. The editors will tell me my work blew them way. Ok, maybe not. I can handle it. A writer with thick skin (well, at least not reed thin) – can you believe it? Anyway, reject me.
I feel better now that I have gotten this off of my chest. In fact, I am ready to scream reject me. Just don’t ignore me.
A Dream to Persue?
Do you ever have a dream that feels so vivid but you can’t remember it the second you are awake? They are like a firework. They make a big splash but quickly fade to nothing.
Then, there are those dreams that seem to go on for a long time. It’s like I dreamed a miniseries. There are different acts and scenes. I wake up remembering pieces of the epic and convinced that the dream and its contents will stay with me throughout the day and beyond. However, once I turn my attention to something else – even as mundane as taking a shower – my memory abandons me. Usually, by the end of the day I am left with scraps – if I am lucky.
Lastly, there is the third type of dream whose vividness varies. However, what does not vary is my memory for the contents. The memory stays with me, through the day, week, month, etc.
And I wonder why? Why do some dreams remain in my mind and others fade into oblivion? I am not looking for a scientific analysis though I am sure there are doctors or psychologists who could propose a perfectly reasonable thought. However, I am not looking for the kind of answer that a doctor/psychologist would propose. I am thinking more about symbolism.
You have those dreams that are shall we say pipe dreams (by the way, I am nearly certain the term comes from The Iceman Cometh). Example: I am going to play in the NBA. So what that I did not make the high school team, I am 5’10’’, slow, and can’t jump. These are dreams that need to be in the rear view mirror.
There are some dreams that have a chance to come true but maybe, you lose interest in them as you grow up. Example: I am going to be a talk show host. As I get older, I realize that I don’t get along with all types of people. So, while there are elements I find appealing and will always, I decide to go in another direction.
Finally, there are those dreams that you are really passionate about. There will be bumps in the road but nothing can throw you off the track. Example: I want to be pediatrician. I am challenged by biology, loans are outrageous, internship is beyond exhausting. However, I will not back down. This is my dream, and I will make it happen. This is my direction.
As I ponder the different dreams, I think back on the dreams that I have had and what category they fit in. Truthfully, there have been very very few dreams for me that have fit into the third category. I feel proud of my flexibility and my rational and reasonable approach. However, I feel frustrated that my level of achievement is not up to my capabilities. I feel that my potential is for something greater. I think super achievers have an ability to put their head down and relentlessly pursue their dream. As I get older, a question I need to answer is what I am willing to do in order to achieve my dreams.
Earning Your Stripes
Validation. We all need approval – especially children. Way to go, good job, you got it. We all have our favorite sayings of validation that we say to our children. While I was hurling through Brooklyn on the A train at 7 A.M., I overheard a mother and child doing some schoolwork. As a parent and teacher, I was impressed. I did not hear (nor care) what they were learning. All I heard was the mother drone on, “Good job…” Whether it meant anything to the child, I’m not sure.
In March of this year, BR started taking karate. I pushed it. It is said to be good for kids with ADHD as it can help them with focus and discipline. In addition, karate could help him with his OT issues by improving body awareness. Lastly, he expressed an interest. Okay, I asked him multiple times, and he finally agreed to it. My wife got on board, and we signed him up for a program.
So, since March BR has been attending karate twice a week for 45 minutes. The boys and girls vary in age but seem to be anywhere from 5-9. At first, he was challenged but seemed to take to the discipline and noted that SJ (his younger brother) would benefit from it. I was ready to gloat.
The kids start off with a plain white belt. From there, they need to earn stripes before moving on to the next color belt. There is an opportunity to earn stripes at the end of every month (assuming you have been to at least 8 sessions since you last moved up). The first time BR was up for a stripe, he got one. He beamed with pride when he talked about his stripe (a piece of black electrical tape – pretty fancy, ehh). He quickly got his second stripe and was feeling good about his accomplishment. I would catch the last 10-15 minutes of class and saw a boy who was really trying to focus and do his best. I also saw improvements.
Then he hit a speed bump.
One time, two times, three times, came and went, and he could not get the third stripe. He even went to karate camp – 5 5-hour days – and still was not up to getting the next stripe. Then, he stopped talking about karate and getting him to practice was a chore. I did not want to argue with him about it. After all, this is an extracurricular activity. I told him multiple times that practicing is the key to getting better, and he needed to decide if he wanted to improve. (FULL DISCLOSURE My wife is the one who supervises his practicing. She keeps telling me I should, but it does not happen. This may be why she was less excited to sign him up for karate in the first place.)
Well, today was the September test. My wife prepped him again – a lot. We all hoped he was ready. SJ and I got to the Dojo just in time to see the Sensei make the stripe presentations. Lo and behold, BR was the third one called. He had earned his stripe. A good job – I’d say. He persevered despite the frustrations (I was ready to pull him out) and accomplished his goal. I am so proud of him!
Truly Helpful Inventions
In the last couple of weeks, I have posted about my idea for Kiddie Kennel and the need to wash my hair. If you boil down both posts what it comes down to is that I have been very busy and would like some space. The feedback I received essentially fit into two categories: I’m also busy, and you have to make time. I agree 100%.
Well, I have a thought. We all know we are living in a technological age and that technology is supposed to make our lives more convenient, relaxing and easier. Yet, we are busier than ever with a nagging need (?) to fill each moment. I’d like to blame the technology. Actually, I’d like to suggest some new technology which will truly help make things in my home life more peaceful.
1. Urine Magnet – this handy item ensures that those who don’t shoot straight will still hit the mark. Place the magnet in the toilet and the urine will end up in the toilet. ALWAYS! This will limit bad odors and save you from cleaning yellow rivers.
2. Bed Belts – this wonderful item will help you get that restful night that you so sorely need. You know the child who insists on getting up in the middle of night, getting in your bed, kicking you and stealing the blankets? Well, with the bed belt, you won’t know that child anymore. In addition, those children that are floppers will be safe and you will have peace of mind. Don’t worry there is a button that can be used if it is a true bathroom emergency.
3. Sock Absorbers – this blissful item will bring you bliss. It functions similar to a shock absorber and is perfect for the heavy footed person in your house. No longer will you have to cringe as lead foot pounds the floor mercilessly. Tell me now – isn’t that blissful?
4. Volume Control – this special item will pay for itself quickly as your aspirin bill will fall dramatically. We all know people who seem to have only one voice – OUTSIDE VOICE. Now, we don’t want to diminish the headache inducing individual’s enthusiasm and excitement but just turn it down a notch or three. Well, the human volume control can do that. It’s true.
5. Lego Suction – this is truly a time saver. Who doesn’t have a child that loves Lego? Answer – no one! Now, as we all know Lego these days – unlike when we were children – comes in some ridiculously small pieces. So, even when we parents have our children clean up, they often miss pieces. Stepping on those Legos brings one word to mind – OUCH!!!. The Lego suction works similar to a vacuum but is specifically designed to just pick up Lego. One easy flick of the switch and the Lego is quickly sucked up and can be easily put away. I am enraptured just thinking of this.
So, tell me wouldn’t these types of new inventions help you? Make your life more convenient? I knew they would.
P.S. Any more ideas for truly helpful technology? I’d be happy to hear about them.
memyselfandkids 